Final Fetal Echo and other events of a Tuesday

Today was our final fetal echocardiogram. I don’t know what happens during the ride from Plymouth to Boston, but I think with each mile that we get closer to the hospital, my anxiety level grows. By the time we parked the car, crossed the street and almost got stuck in the automatic revolving door, I had caught myself hoping that two chambers miraculously appeared. I also found myself praying to the God I am not on good terms with right now to please not add any more ‘surprises’. I think he heard me this time. The only surprise I got today was hearing that there are appears to be partial chambers on the left side. Non-functioning, but unexpected nonetheless. Heart function is still good, she is developing well and it looks like I may get the moments I was hoping for to snuggle with her before she is whisked off to surgery. Still can’t have that first moment nursing after birth but I am grateful that we will be able to spend time with her. Good news all around, and I was pleased with the report.
And then came the topic of what to do about visitors.
Honestly, I am not sure how I feel about visitors during those moments we may have with her. I’m torn between wanting to have her to myself, and to share her with our family before she undergoes surgery. I know I am being ridiculous for purely selfish reasons and am hoping it passes along with the waves of impending doom that strike without warning.
We are on the last quarter mile of the race before hitting a new starting line for a marathon.
I thought back to that day when we were told that our baby had this defect I had never heard of before and now hearing that in spite of this, we will be able to hold her like we would a healthy newborn was enough to carry me for the rest of the day. Today we were given the gift of hope only because nothing changed. Funny how that works! I am so grateful that nothing new came up, that we will be able to hold her and I have been given the dilemma of what to do about visitors. That is a gift right there. I didn’t think visitors were an option two months ago.
My apologies if my thoughts are a bit scattered tonight. I wanted to write to see if i could sort through the noise and it appears that maybe I require some sleep before things become more cohesive. And with that, I am off.