Hijacked

I’ve been hijacked.

Spaces that used to be mine have been overtaken by Melissa. What else is new? I mean, she took my clothes, my name, and is now enjoying all of the spaces I used to enjoy including the beach meeting. I drove by last Saturday with the intention of going and saw that truck. I couldn’t breathe so I kept going. Why am I so uncomfortable? Is it because I know I ripped her heart out? Did I lie to her? Was I unfaithful to her? She thinks I was. She thought I was ready to go back to my ex husband when all I was trying to do was get some space. Today’s reading was about expectations. I expected her to grow, to make an effort to get better but she didn’t. Her expectation was that I was going to help her, which is another way of saying do it for her. When Mel did make her own decisions, usually they ended badly and the tempers would flare. Too many anger issues created this need for me to control everything so I wouldn’t have to live in that anger.

Joke was on me because it was me who became the angriest. I am still angry at her for the failed relationship. I had no intentions on ending it after she came out but then life became way too hard. Everyone stared at us, she was unable to work for anyone without having a problem with them, and I would worry constantly about not having enough money to keep us afloat. Every day I felt like I was suffocating. I wanted to work on the relationship, but she didn’t want to work on herself. It was all me. I couldn’t take another day.

So maybe that is why I can’t stand being in the same room/group as her. Maybe that is why my stomach lurches when I see that awful abomination of a vehicle. Maybe that is why when I see her walking with her new friends, I want to scream.

She has painted me to look like the villain. No one has a clue what it was like living with a 13 year old girl in a 47 year old man’s body. Every situation that came up in our lives was a new problem for me to solve. Nothing was ‘we’ anymore. I couldn’t trust her. I knew she was keeping a few lies because that is how she functions. Mel grew up constantly lying to people around her to protect herself. She didn’t know to not do that. I couldn’t live with it and I couldn’t handle being in a relationship with someone I couldn’t trust.

I would try to talk to her about this and she would immediately turn it around and point out my shortcomings. If I kept going, she would get louder and I would have to shut it down before it became a screaming match which I would lose. Doesn’t sound like a fun relationship. It sounds like an abusive situation that would never have gotten better without a lot of therapy and willingness to listen. Scott used to listen. Mel never did.

I did lie to her when she asked for the truth- if I could stay in the relationship with her. I lied because it was my daughter’s senior project premiere and nothing was going to ruin it. Looking back, I would say the same thing again because Liz’s happiness and success were more important to me than anything else. It still is. Im her mother, not anyone else’s. I owed Mel the truth because she knew it underneath it all. I couldn’t stand being in the house anymore and my resentment had grown out of control.

Mel claims I took her money that was meant for our Disney trip. I used the $1500 to catch up on car payments and cable bill. Her work was sporadic during the winter and I couldn’t make it work on my part time salary. When I told her this, she said my car wasn’t her problem. I find that very funny because we shared the car, and without it, she wouldn’t have been able to get to meetings or work. So I guess it was a shared problem too. I cannot imagine how awful Disney would have been if she came. Between the unbearable heat, the crowds, and the constant walking, she would have lost her freaking mind. I would have been miserable and Chris’s family would probably convince him to move to Rockland with the girls to get away from me. Throughout the vacation, I would turn to Liz and say “Can you imagine if she was here?” Both of us agreed that it would have made our lives extremely difficult. Not to mention how she would have handled the nuances of being trans in Disney. She was asking me questions that I didn’t know the answers to. Thinking about it now, I feel my throat constricting, my chest is tight.

The past few times I have seen her have ended badly for me. I get so angry I drop cartons of half and half, and I lose composure. I don’t want this to happen anymore because I need to get back to meetings. I need to keep growing in my sobriety because I have let it go for so long. Just because she attends the same meetings I used to go to doesn’t mean I have to stop. It means I have to show up because it’s not all about me. I pray each day that I can get strong enough to just be present. That is all I can do for now.