Various ways to hope

When I first began this blog the purpose was a singular one: to write and express my feelings about having a baby with hypoplastic left heart syndrome. I needed it to be a safe place where I could vent my anger at why we were chosen to have this burden, express my grief at the loss of a normal pregnancy, and to explore what I really was feeling since I tend to have so many. It started out with the purpose being congenital heart disease-driven and all about Izzie.

A few months ago I took a blogging class to see how I could make the most out of my writing. As it turns out, not much! Two blogs was getting really complicated. I realized that my life had split into two branches- one centered around congenital heart disease, and the other around all things transgender. I didn’t want to taint this blog with personal demons, so I thought. Problem is, I already wrote about my demons so that cat was let out of the bag. Why not change the focus from Izzie’s condition to hope itself. Both branches of my life required it to keep moving forward regardless of what was happening around me. Hope is what gets me up on the morning, so why not?

I was told today that everyone sees everything on Facebook. Groundbreaking.  If I wasn’t aware of this, I wouldn’t have pulled the other blog down. I use Facebook to extend my contact to people, not just be my method of contact. For example, I may comment on a post with my opinion, maybe run into you downtown, and then reiterate my opinion if the occasion deems necessary. Whatever I write on here I will most definitely say to your face. I don’t hide behind the UI and pretend I am someone else. If anything, I have been too honest on here with who I am. And that’s okay. It’s ok that I am being me, being true to who I really am, and accepting the consequences.

Some of the consequences are justified, others not so much. I don’t consider losing as many friends as I have since Melissa came out was a consequence that is justified. I understand it, but it still hurts. It hurts when I get an invitation in the mail with just my name on it, even though I have been in a relationship with someone for two years. Since when have I been hiding? I am not the one hiding this time. Ironically, this has been one of the most healthy relationships I have ever had. We argue and disagree, but it doesn’t grow into additional resentments like in other relationships. We do our best not to go to bed angry. Most of the time we are pretty successful. When we share joyful moments such as Liz seeing Suffolk for the first time or having a nice dinner outside under the stars, it is shared on every level. I feel content. I finally feel like I have found the happiness I have been missing for so long, but it is still at arm’s length because my children have no idea who she is.

Here is where the hope comes in. As in all relationships, there are roles people have. Male/female, dominant/submissive, shy/outgoing. Since Scott has officially left the building and Melissa is in the house, things have changed dramatically. I am not talking about the clothing. The way we deal with each other, communicate with each other has changed a lot since we have begun living as two women in the house. It’s different and we are still trying to see where we fit in to each other’s lives. It’s hard, and sometimes overwhelming. Some days I feel like she will never get me like Scott did, and other days I have never felt like someone understood me as much. My hope is that we keep going, that circumstances will get better, and that people will be more accepting of us as days go on.

My immediate family is a good example of acceptance, my extended family not so much. Other people who have hurt me are friends with whom suddenly I needed a friend request to talk to because this whole situation is overwhelming for them (say whaaat??). Friends that I have asked to be cool and then they post a derogatory image of a bearded man in a dress for laughs. It all hurts and maybe they think I am asking for it by being in this type of relationship. I don’t understand. We aren’t hurting anyone. If anything, Melissa is finally living the way she should have for the past 43 years. She isn’t dying on the inside anymore and I am not wondering what Scott is hiding from me. I hope that the G-d who placed these circumstances in my life that also saved hers, will bring us to a better place. He certainly brought us this far.


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