This month has been challenging to say the least. I was hired by Cambridge Associates and have rejoined society as a full time employee. Our Miles for Miracles fundraiser was a huge success and we cheered our incredible marathon runners from the sidelines in Wellesley. Isabelle had her second catheterization in a lifetime and we learned that her anatomy is a miracle upon itself. And I had to come clean about a truth I didn’t want to look at, acknowledge or recognize. Circumstances were such that there was no way to ignore it and hiding it turned me into a liar. When your way of life is dependent on “To thine self be true”, one of two things will happen- either you drink or you let the truth come out. And come out it did.
Repercussions are still rippling so I will not digress the situation but those who know me closely will know what I am talking about. I was trapped in the land of damned if I do, damned if I don’t. It was awful. It still is, but today I live with the peace that I am right where I am supposed to be.
I can tell you where I don’t belong. I don’t belong in the world of being the bad guy. I don’t belong in fantasyland. I don’t belong in the I told you So’s. Right now I know there are people who think I am a horrible human being. Here’s what I know about myself:
1. My sobriety comes first. Even before my children.
2. I am being honest because of #1 and as painful as it is, I feel like I am Elissa again.
3. I have gone through hell and back, and this will be another experience that may benefit others
4. I am closer to my family because of this. I have three siblings who I love and miss terribly. Not just one or two. Three.
5. I love being at meetings and connected to my sober peeps. It’s who I am and is saving my
Kosher ass right now.
6. Ok, I’m not kosher but I do lovey faith as it has lifted me especially recently when I wasn’t sure if this in fact was God’s will for me.
7. Regardless of what others may say or think, I love my children. I adore them. And I am MORE than capable of taking care of them.
I belong where I am at right now. And people can form their own opinions and whatnot. They can think I am a selfish, irresponsible person who could care less about the effects her behavior has on her family. But I am Elissa, a good sober mom who is trying to get through another day. And I’ll do it again tomorrow.