It’s never easy to admit complete defeat in something. Past experience tells me that it is a good thing in some respects, but knowing that you failed at something when you did make an effort can really suck. Last night I had an epiphany that was not what I wanted to see. It’s what I needed to see. It hurts to know that my actions have caused a lot of damage in spite of the motive behind it being an honest one. Some days it just hurts to be honest even though you know you have to be.
I ended a relationship and it was not an easy decision by any means. Because I am the instigator, the myth is that this is easy on me, that I am getting what I want, and that I am finally happy. It’s going to be a long time until I am truly happy because happiness is a by-product of right living (thanks Bill L.) and I have just started living right again. It’s definitely not easy on me since I have to explain to my four year old that I still love her even though I am living in a different place. It’s not easy when I have to rush over to the house in the morning to see my girls before I leave for the day. It’s not easy leaving and it’s not easy by any means trying to figure out how I am going to deal with my pathetic finances. None of this is easy.
I think the worst part is realizing how sick I have been and how long I have been thinking this way. Cutting back on meetings and letting my head get out of control. Definitely not easy to accept the responsibility of being the cause of losing the job I loved so much. None of what I am going through is easy. But I need to go through it. I need to do this and to be myself. I need to be a better mother, friend, daughter and colleague. As hard as it is, and some days it is impossibly hard, I know it is the right thing for me.